The Brain is weird. It’s funny how it works. Momentarily it can make you feel like you’re not in control. You’re just a passenger in a vehicle. It can be moving at an enjoyable pace, but it can also be an unnerving journey. The desire to feel some sort of control is high. 

This lack of control can be seen with mental health problems. I’ve never been one to shy away from mental health problems. I’ve always accepted it for what it is and tried to support my friends and family in any way I can. 

Call it a generational thing if you want to but I was raised knowing about these problems and chose to study them further in education. Some people aren’t lucky enough to know about the ins and outs of mental health. But I feel like it’s time everybody learned about it. 

Mental health really is a big silent killer. It’s kind of ironic, it’s spoken about the most it ever has been spoken about before, yet more and more people are suffering in silence. Even sadder I’m hearing about suicides far too often it’s now a regular occurrence. However, I don’t judge, it can take a long time to speak about. Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes months or even years. Sadly, sometimes it seems impossible. In simple terms it’s the s*** nobody wants to talk about because of their own personal reasons. 

The problem we have is that the face of mental health is ever changing. It’s not just simple anymore. People used to think depression + happy pills = happy life. 

To me that’s a poor outlook to have on such a broad spectrum of issues and/or problems. Depression is more than just being a little unhappy and needing some pills to help you feel normal (I don’t care what anybody says, nobody is f****** normal.) Anxiety is more than just building your social skills to feel more comfortable (biggest load of s*** in the world.) OCD isn’t just alphabetically arranging your DVDs and CDs (how cliché.) 

These problems can have a number of noticeable symptoms which could be lack of sleep, change in appetite, withdrawn from social groups, quick changing emotions, anger, quietness and suicidal thoughts. These are only a few of the symptoms such problems can present themselves through. 

Going back to my first Sentence the Brain is weird, the slightest thing can change the way your Brain runs the body and therefore change you as a person. Obviously, there are a lot of biological factors I could get into but I want to keep this simple. 

Looking at personal experiences – which even over a post like this I feel strange sharing. I was introduced to Trauma at the young age of 14. I didn’t know it at the time, well I didn’t know it until I turned 21. This trauma straight away made me feel anxious in social situations. I wouldn’t show it but there would be times where I would be having panic attacks and dread being in any social situation. This could be seen by me purposefully fading into the background at times or only feeling comfortable with certain people. This anxiety wasn’t known to me, I just thought I was weird and alone with these feelings. I viewed the panic attacks as heart palpitations and got tested for different irregularities or conditions (which only made everything even more uncomfortable).  

The trauma also led me to make decisions and career choices which I thought were what I wanted. However, this just introduced me to a higher level of trauma and left me in a state after most shifts and all of my rest days. It took me a year of fresh traumatic experiences and not looking after myself before I told anyone. 

I’d gained a lot of weight which I’m still attempting to lose. My personal hygiene was poor. I was in bed at any chance I had. I woke up and wanted to sleep, I went to sleep and was constantly waking up with different flash backs and images. I was angry and acting out a lot. I was showing signs of depersonalisation and to top it off I was being a s*** friend, family member and person in general. 

When I was asked if I was okay. I lied. I spoke about how fun work was, how proud I was to be working there and how everyone should try the same career. I lied to those I loved because I didn’t want to come across as weak or weird. I lied to my colleagues and supervisors because I craved their acceptance. I lied to myself out of fear. 

This wall I had put up eventually came crumbling down. In June whilst on a holiday in Mexico. I finally snapped. I couldn’t hold it in. There were tears and there was acceptance that I was not okay. I needed help me with my options. Eventually I was comfortable enough to tell one of my best friends. Although I was terrified, he couldn’t have handled it better. He told me how brave I was for what I’d done and he reassured me that he wouldn’t have been able to see what I’d seen. He was the only reason I was convinced to tell my parents. 

I was nervous to tell my parents. I didn’t want to let them down. I didn’t want them to stop being proud of me. I worried myself until I was physically sick. But I bit the bullet and well… I was stupid to think that I could ever disappoint them from being in a bad mental place. They convinced me to see a doctor, a counsellor and leave my job. They also helped me get a new job when the time was right. 

I eventually realised that no matter how lucky I was by being surround by supportive, amazing friends and family, I needed professional help. I went through a weekly counselling programme for 10 weeks (through Premier Foods Health Care) and this is helping me process the traumatic memories. I was diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety and PTSD. 

I’d have never thought I’d get to this stage in my life. I never expected I’d be this guy. I thought about other options, darker options. I didn’t want to be the guy who was (in my words at the time) f***** in the head. 

I now realise I’m not f*****, it’s not embarrassing and it’s not something I’m ashamed of. For a long time I had to take sertraline daily, go to counselling weekly and update my family regularly. But I wouldn’t change that for the world. I’m finally happy with my life, I finally accept who I am, I have a job I’m happy in and I am on the path to recovery. 

I guess what I’m saying is, I knew all about mental health and the signs and symptoms. But I didn’t even realise that I was showing them, I hid it from my friends, my brothers and my family. But somehow, I even hid it from myself. 

The point of this is to show that you may feel clued up about it all. You may feel like you don’t need support or that your friends are fine. But trust me, you never know what’s going on behind closed doors and you never know what people are going through, not even yourself. Look after the people you love, check up on them and make sure they know it’s okay not to be okay. 

1